Romance Archives

January 20, 2006

The letter that started it all

Originally written 26 June 2005.

Dear Lover,

I have no idea who you are. I may not have even met you yet. But I know you're out there, and I know you're dreaming of finding me, just as I'm dreaming of finding you. I know that in time, if we both continue to live our lives and walk down our respective paths, we're bound to meet. I look forward to that day. In fact, I find it necessary to remind myself to slow down and enjoy the journey until that day comes. After all, our meeting will be so much wondrous if I use this time to prepare.

With that in mind, I decided I wanted to write you a letter. Who knows, maybe it'll become a series of letters. I just thought it would be a good idea to tell you who I am, who I hope you are, what I'm afraid of, and what's important to you. (That's a lot to write about, so I think this will be more than one letter.)

Let's start out with who I hope you are and what's important to me. After all, helping you to understand this will help you (and myself) realize that out of all the men out there, you are the one who is my true lover. I think that to me, the most important thing is that you are yourself. I don't want someone who tries to be what you think I want. I don't want you to try to impress me. Lover, you are what impresses me. Your genuine nature, your ability to be sincerely you, and your beautiful (by definition rather than by design) expression of your soul is what matters to me.

This means that you know yourself. You know your feelings, and you're not afraid to face them. Okay, maybe that's not exactly accurate. Maybe you are a little afraid from time to time. But you're willing to face them anyways. And you're willing to explore them and share them with someone like me.

You're also willing to listen to me when I talk about my feelings. Not necessarily to fix or heal them, but to just hear them and let me know that they matter to you because I matter to you. And you're willing to let me face whatever feelings -- beautiful or frightening -- that come up, because you know it's a part of me and that allowing me to do so will make me a better person and a better lover.

You're also someone who is willing to be imperfect and accept an imperfect person like me. But more importantly, you are someone who can look at imperfection -- mine, yours, or anyone else's -- and see a beauty in it. This is because you understand that our imperfections is what make us human, and often make us completely adorable.

You are someone who understands that being is at least as important as doing. While you are a lot of fun and can walk through a weekend of fast-paced activity for the two of us with great energy, you're not afraid to slow down either. You enjoy a quiet night as we sit on a couch in one another's arms, talking about intimate subjects as barely audible instrumental music plays in the background. You can sit comfortably with me as the conversation dies away for a few minutes and we just sit, listening to each other's deep, rhythmic breathing.

Sex. Let's face it, it's important. It's important to me, and as my Lover, it's important to you. But I think it's more important that we understand sex in the same light. Like me, you're someone who doesn't believe that sex is about "being good" or "being bad." You're someone who doesn't worry about your "performance," because you're someone who understands that I'm not going to give you a report card in the morning.

I want someone who sees sex as an act of intimacy and exploration. I want someone whow knows it's about learning how each of us reacts to touch. I want someone who understands that it's about enjoying ourselves and each other and connecting on a totally different, more incredible level. And I want someone who can appreciate that it's as much about enjoying the physical and emotional sensations of the process as it is about the end result. And I want you to be someone who isn't afraid to help me remember all this on those occasions where I lose my own way.

I want to take this moment to tell you that looks don't matter to me. Well, that's not entirely accurate. Looks do matter to me. I have to be able to look at you and think, "Damn, I want to take him home!" But you don't have to be a CK model for that to happen. My understanding of what is good looking is much more subtle than that. To be honest, the things that attract me to you are probably not tangible at all. They're as much about how you carry yourself, how you express yourself and your feelings with your face and body, and how your eyes sparkle with excitement when your passionate, as about a certain body type, or certain defining features. To be honest, I think that as long as you are comfortable with yourself, I will be drooling inside within minutes of spending time with you.

Well, Lover, there's probably more. But I think this is enough for now. I know you're out there, and now we both know what you're like -- or at least have a few good ideas. I hope that this will help you find your way to me when the time is right. Until then, know that my thoughts are with you. See you soon.

Desirously yours,
-- Jarred.

On Intimacy (Not Sex)

Dear Lover,

I've been in "hopeless romantic" mood all weekend. I've watched three different movies since yesterday morning that have centered around relationships between two guys. This isn't typical of me, but I guess I'm just in that state of mind where I want to be reminded that such love and tenderness really can exist.

The last movie I watched -- in fact, I just finished it mere minutes ago -- was a nice British film called "Beautiful Thing." It was slow in places (which seems to be common in just about every British film I've watched), but it was a wonderful and touching story. It was about two teenage boys who were neighbors and their struggles as they discovered they loved one another, but had to deal with all of the difficulties in pursuing a relationship.

The scene that really touched me, though (well, other than the scene where Jaime rubbed creme into the welts on Ste's back and told him he was quite attractive) was the final scene. This is the scene where Ste and Jaime end up slow dancing in the middle of the square near their home. As they start to dance, a crowd starts to gather round them, and Jaime's mother and another neighbor (also female) end up joining the young lovers, dancing one another. And as they danced, the four of them talked back and forth, laughing (mainly about what Ste's abusive father would have to say if he was there to see the scene) and just enjoying one another while the crowd watched in wonder.

I'd love to be a part of a scene like that with you, Lover. There was a tender intimacy and sweet love wrapped up into it. It's something that could never be expressed half as adequately in all the grandiose "romantic dates" and nights of passionate lovemaking in the world. It's a gentle beauty and sense of serenity that can only come from those small, simple things, those moments that create a perfect moment of intimacy and love simply by the fact that they are an instant of absolutely sweet and genuine togetherness. I long for those moments, and I revel in the thought of someday finding them with you.

Fondly yours,

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