Dear Lover

This blog is the continuation of a bright idea I had about six months ago. After breaking up with my boyfriend, Mike, I decided that I needed to take time and think about what I wanted in a relationship. While I had a pretty good relationship with my ex, there were just some things that I wasn't happy with. So I decided it was time to express those feelings in writing.

Based on an idea a friend had once told me about, I decided to do this in an interesting format. Instead of writing down these thoughts in the form of an internal dialogue or monologue, I decided to write down my thoughts as a letter to a future lover. This way, I could further define what I was looking at, as if I were describing my ideal lover and what I wanted from him to him. I wrote the first five of these letters in both online and traditional journals.

A number of friends have already seen some of these letters and have commented about how much they liked them. More than one has even said they hope I eventually show them to my next boyfriend (whenever I should be fortunate enough to meet him). Given these responses, I decided it might even be a good idea to collect these letters into a single place.

The result is this blog. I hope to post the original five letters here, and add to them over time. I don't know how often this blog will update, though I hope I can manage at least a couple updates a month. However, I do hope that it becomes a great place where I can continue to explore my hopes and desires for a future relationship. And who knows, maybe someone else will get something out of it.

Originally written 26 June 2005.

Dear Lover,

I have no idea who you are. I may not have even met you yet. But I know you're out there, and I know you're dreaming of finding me, just as I'm dreaming of finding you. I know that in time, if we both continue to live our lives and walk down our respective paths, we're bound to meet. I look forward to that day. In fact, I find it necessary to remind myself to slow down and enjoy the journey until that day comes. After all, our meeting will be so much wondrous if I use this time to prepare.

With that in mind, I decided I wanted to write you a letter. Who knows, maybe it'll become a series of letters. I just thought it would be a good idea to tell you who I am, who I hope you are, what I'm afraid of, and what's important to you. (That's a lot to write about, so I think this will be more than one letter.)

Let's start out with who I hope you are and what's important to me. After all, helping you to understand this will help you (and myself) realize that out of all the men out there, you are the one who is my true lover. I think that to me, the most important thing is that you are yourself. I don't want someone who tries to be what you think I want. I don't want you to try to impress me. Lover, you are what impresses me. Your genuine nature, your ability to be sincerely you, and your beautiful (by definition rather than by design) expression of your soul is what matters to me.

This means that you know yourself. You know your feelings, and you're not afraid to face them. Okay, maybe that's not exactly accurate. Maybe you are a little afraid from time to time. But you're willing to face them anyways. And you're willing to explore them and share them with someone like me.

You're also willing to listen to me when I talk about my feelings. Not necessarily to fix or heal them, but to just hear them and let me know that they matter to you because I matter to you. And you're willing to let me face whatever feelings -- beautiful or frightening -- that come up, because you know it's a part of me and that allowing me to do so will make me a better person and a better lover.

You're also someone who is willing to be imperfect and accept an imperfect person like me. But more importantly, you are someone who can look at imperfection -- mine, yours, or anyone else's -- and see a beauty in it. This is because you understand that our imperfections is what make us human, and often make us completely adorable.

You are someone who understands that being is at least as important as doing. While you are a lot of fun and can walk through a weekend of fast-paced activity for the two of us with great energy, you're not afraid to slow down either. You enjoy a quiet night as we sit on a couch in one another's arms, talking about intimate subjects as barely audible instrumental music plays in the background. You can sit comfortably with me as the conversation dies away for a few minutes and we just sit, listening to each other's deep, rhythmic breathing.

Sex. Let's face it, it's important. It's important to me, and as my Lover, it's important to you. But I think it's more important that we understand sex in the same light. Like me, you're someone who doesn't believe that sex is about "being good" or "being bad." You're someone who doesn't worry about your "performance," because you're someone who understands that I'm not going to give you a report card in the morning.

I want someone who sees sex as an act of intimacy and exploration. I want someone whow knows it's about learning how each of us reacts to touch. I want someone who understands that it's about enjoying ourselves and each other and connecting on a totally different, more incredible level. And I want someone who can appreciate that it's as much about enjoying the physical and emotional sensations of the process as it is about the end result. And I want you to be someone who isn't afraid to help me remember all this on those occasions where I lose my own way.

I want to take this moment to tell you that looks don't matter to me. Well, that's not entirely accurate. Looks do matter to me. I have to be able to look at you and think, "Damn, I want to take him home!" But you don't have to be a CK model for that to happen. My understanding of what is good looking is much more subtle than that. To be honest, the things that attract me to you are probably not tangible at all. They're as much about how you carry yourself, how you express yourself and your feelings with your face and body, and how your eyes sparkle with excitement when your passionate, as about a certain body type, or certain defining features. To be honest, I think that as long as you are comfortable with yourself, I will be drooling inside within minutes of spending time with you.

Well, Lover, there's probably more. But I think this is enough for now. I know you're out there, and now we both know what you're like -- or at least have a few good ideas. I hope that this will help you find your way to me when the time is right. Until then, know that my thoughts are with you. See you soon.

Desirously yours,
-- Jarred.

Originally written 17 July 2005.

Dear Lover,

It's me again. I went out tonight. I wanted to do a bit of shopping and then decided to go to Friendly's aftwards to get a bite to eat and do some reading. And while I was there, I thought of you. So I wanted to write you again.

Actually, my thought processes started out by thinking of my last boyfriend, Mike. I forget exactly what thought crossed my mind, but it was something that I had an impulse to share it with Mike before I remembered that, well, he and I aren't talking any more. Which had me a little sad. Because it reminded me that I don't have someone right now with whom I can share those little things that cross my mind or those little events in life that excite me.

Which then made me think of you, because that's the kind of thing I look forward to sharing with you. I look forward to being able to call you, drop you a quick email, and eventually even come home to you and tell you about those little insignificant things that happened to me, but meant enough to me on some level that I just have to share it with you. Even the silly stuff, like the cutesie quote from some insipid Disney sequel I was watching that made me giggle. And I can just picture you listening quietly and intently, only to chuckle, shake your head, and tell me how much you love me.

I think that's a mistake people tend to make, Lover. They actually think that the person they're with has to have all the same interests they do and has to find all the same things neat or interesting. I don't think that's true at all. I don't need you to think that my cutesie quotes from insipid Disney sequels are interesting and neat. All I need from you is to acknowledge that I think they are neat and give me the love and attention of sharing it with you. Because in the end, what I'm really sharing with you is my own response, my own excitement, and my own joy. The cause of it isn't all that important. But if you can sit there and share in those little moments of excitement and love me for them, then you will be a truly fantastic lover.

And of course, I look forward to doing the same for you. I don't really care what gets you excited (well, besides me) or passionate, but I do hope that something (in addition to me) gets you excited and passionate. And I hope that you share that with me. I may not have the same interest in whatever it is, but I know that seeing your face light up and your words fill with deep feeling will be something that fills my own heart. And I look forward to that sort of thing.

Well, Lover, it's late at night. And I should probably get to bed. But I just wanted to take a moment to write and share this with you. I love you, and I hope you're dreaming sweet things.

Love,
-- Jarred.

Originally written 23 July 2005.

Dear Lover,

I went out for about an hour tonight. I figured that since it was my first Saturday night in Rochester, it was appropriate to get at least a brief taste of the night life. So I got out my driving directions and found Nasty D's. i don't know if you've ever been there. For all I know, you wre there tonight. Wouldn't that be funny?

I kind of liked this place. it wasn't as noisy as some clubs I've been in. And having separate and complete floors for dancing and social interractions made it less overwhelming, I think. I sat upstairs for a while, watchign people dance. It was fun and exhilerating. If tehre had been more people -- or at least if it didn't seem like everyone else knew each other -- I might even have joined in. I could definitely see myself going dancing with you.

I'm still not sure I could meet you by going there, though. At least not if you didn't take the initiative to strike up a conversation with me. That bothers me, though. I'm not sure I shold rely on you takign the initiative -- at a club or elsewhere. I just wish I could find a way to take it myself and still be more or less comfortable. Or at least feel natural doing it.

I gess I'm just afraid my shy, introverted nature will keep us apart, Lover. Oh, I have no problems talking to people, don't get me wrong. Once the ice gets broken, I am usually quite warm and friendly. i'd even go so far as to say I'm downright charming on many occasions. It's just a matter of getting the ball rolling.

Deep down, I think I know it'll be okay, Lover. But right now, I'm just afraid. There's so much I don't know and don't see right now, and that has me scared. i have so much to do and so many options -- and I have the sense that there are still options I don't know about -- I just worry about whetehr I will make the right choices.

I guess I just need to trust myself -- or just grit my teeth and make whatever choices I feel are rightand necessary despite my doubts and fears. Wish me luck, Lover.

Fondly yours,
-- Jarred.

Originally written 12 August 2005.

Dear Lover,

I got an incredible surprise in the mail yesterday. The Rush-Henrietta school district dropped fliers in everyone's mailboxes for "continuing education" courses. You're probably familiar with these kinds of courses. They're the short little courses (one to eight evening sessions total) on a bunch of different topics. The topics range from learning to play euchre to learning CPR, and just about everything in between. I got looking into it, and I see where they offer a couple of blogging courses and creative writing classes this fall. So I think I'm going to see about signing up. It'll give me the perfect opportunity to get out of the house and meet other people. Who knows, maybe I'll even meet you there. I'm not counting on that, though. After all, I don't want to hinge my whole life on meeting you.

If nothing else, these classes will give me an opportunity to meet other people in general. After all, I could use some friends in this new area. And what better way to do so than in a setting where we're all working on and discussing a common interest. This will give the chance to get a social life going. And whether these particular events lead me directly to you, it's something I need, so that I'm ready when I do meet you.

But to be honest, Lover, this has me very excited. After writing to you a couple weeks ago about my fears of how to put myself out there to meet people and even find you, it was incredible to find such a precious opportunity fall into my lap -- or my mailbox, if you want to get literal about it. It helps to remind me that if I open myself up and express my desires and needs while looking for ways to meet them, opportunities just rise up. I just have to be open to them. This just reaffirms my confidence that we will eventually find one another, Lover. And with any luck, we'll both have some wonderful times and life changing experiences along the way.

Excitedly yours,
-- Jarred.

Dear Lover,

I've been in "hopeless romantic" mood all weekend. I've watched three different movies since yesterday morning that have centered around relationships between two guys. This isn't typical of me, but I guess I'm just in that state of mind where I want to be reminded that such love and tenderness really can exist.

The last movie I watched -- in fact, I just finished it mere minutes ago -- was a nice British film called "Beautiful Thing." It was slow in places (which seems to be common in just about every British film I've watched), but it was a wonderful and touching story. It was about two teenage boys who were neighbors and their struggles as they discovered they loved one another, but had to deal with all of the difficulties in pursuing a relationship.

The scene that really touched me, though (well, other than the scene where Jaime rubbed creme into the welts on Ste's back and told him he was quite attractive) was the final scene. This is the scene where Ste and Jaime end up slow dancing in the middle of the square near their home. As they start to dance, a crowd starts to gather round them, and Jaime's mother and another neighbor (also female) end up joining the young lovers, dancing one another. And as they danced, the four of them talked back and forth, laughing (mainly about what Ste's abusive father would have to say if he was there to see the scene) and just enjoying one another while the crowd watched in wonder.

I'd love to be a part of a scene like that with you, Lover. There was a tender intimacy and sweet love wrapped up into it. It's something that could never be expressed half as adequately in all the grandiose "romantic dates" and nights of passionate lovemaking in the world. It's a gentle beauty and sense of serenity that can only come from those small, simple things, those moments that create a perfect moment of intimacy and love simply by the fact that they are an instant of absolutely sweet and genuine togetherness. I long for those moments, and I revel in the thought of someday finding them with you.

Fondly yours,
--Jarred.