Dear Lover

Gotcha real nice blog, great reading for your visitors.

Decided to look for direction for dealing with person I have been dating for a very long time (20 years). He is from Russia, I from US. Will try to keep short and to point.

Like your idea of writing to your lover, but need idea for finding out what this lover has in mind for me. For the most part throughout the years I have felt that he is looking for something better, but he calls me every Thrusday and we make plans. Somehow I believe it to be a "booty" call when he doesn't find other plans and he is not "Really into Me". So again I am getting mixed messages but that he is "tired of me" (briefly, not repeated) then when I say are you coming 4th of July as planned? he said, I will call you. I said but you have not called me for three Thursdays in a row. Are you planing to come this 4th of July or not? He said yes.

Now, It is hard for me to just end the relationship "coldturkey" because I do not know if I can handle it, but looking for how to take next step.

We had talked about living our last years together. He is 64, I am older. He has contents in my closet. My feeling was to put them in box and return them to him, and end it abruptly and not look back. Not certain I will not be able to stick to the decision, but I do not like the indecisive statements he makes to me.

Idea will help. Thanks. Would letter or telephone be best?? He will go along with whatever I say and not look back. That is his way, long suffering without ever really expressing himself except during the relationship. I ended it once before and he got very upset and begged to keep it going. I don't know why. I just stayed. Idea. He said he's afraid to tell me the truth. What is he afraid of? 22 years?? I asked if he was gay or bisexual, he got angry, quietly. Sex has been bad past two years and he blames me for staph infection we seem to be passing back and forth.

Hi, Roberta. When you say your lover is from Russia, do you mean he's still currently living in Russia? If so, I can only imagine how difficult such an overseas romance must be -- and I can only imagine it poorly at that!

By the sounds of it, your relationship has become stalled. I can sympathize with that. The reason I broke up with my previous lover (and started writing these letters) is because our relationship stalled too. Unfortunately, it was his choice to keep things from developing further, and he was unwilling to do anything about it despite the fact that he could lose me. So after four years of being with the same person, I chose to move on with my life, and leave him behind. After all, I still have needs to be met, and if he wasn't going to meet them, it was time for him to get out of the way so someone else could.

I can understand that you don't like the idea of leaving him. It's a scary prospect. But the thing you have to ask yourself is this: How much longer are you willing to remain in relationship limbo? What is that doing to you? (My personal opinion based on my experience is that being alone is better than being stuck in a relationship where you're never sure how important you are or when things are going to develop.)

Personally, I'm a fan of writing letters. Letters allow you to take your time and make sure you're saying exactly what you want to say in the best way possible. Trying to talk on the phone or in person means you have to be quicker on your feet. There's no chance for editing and the moment you say a poorly chosen word, disaster's liable to strike. (Of course, you can say everything perfectly and disaster still may strike, but that's the way life is.)

Next, you need to decide what you're going to tell him. Are you just going to tell him it's over? Or are you going to say you need things to change? If you're going to say you need things to change, what are you going to do if he says he's "not ready" (bear in mind that usually, "not ready" really means "I don't want to") to change? You need to decide what you really want and what you're willing to do to get it. Then you need to tell him and be prepared to stick to your decisions and their consequences, no matter what they may be.

As for fear, people are afraid of all kinds of things. And fears are not a bad thing. Fear's just another emotion. And sometimes, it's a good emotion to have around. Being afraid of the lion at the zoo keeps you from doing something stupid like getting too close to the cage where you could get hurt. But the thing is, we can't let our fears control us. And if your man is willing to let his fears control him (you can't change that if he does), you'll have to ask if your willing to let his fears control your future as well (this you can control, though it may mean making some hard choices).

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you the best of luck.